Returning Wayward?

How long have I wandered again, this time so far from the light that I embraced the Gods of my lover?

"Thou shalt convey it with worship, though you likest it not."

Somewhere along the way, somewhere along the path, I turned, diverged, and found myself in the blackness again. My teacher in these separate ways behaved only appropriate to her Tradition, when she left me alone in the darkness...and yet, I cannot help but feel resentment. Now, I am reading the words I wrote a year ago, and wondering who this person was, and who I am now. Where is the faith that was so strong in this person? Does it still reside in me? Can I still feel it, hidden underneath the layers of scum and degradation to which I have exposed myself? When my teacher departed, she left me thinking, and seeking. Should I return to God?

Did I ever really turn my back on him, or was this yet another test, yet another wandering, yet another learning expedition into the minds of the foolish, the pagan, the Worshippers of Folly?

Long ago, when I first set out from my house, I told my father I was going to the dark places, to the places where Christians do not walk, to witness to the people who will never seek God on their own. To become like them, I ate their food, I drank their blood, I worshipped their masters, always with the understanding that the Divine Union would protect me...since I could not possibly deviate from the world that was God, I could not possibly find myself Apart from Him.

Now I Am.

The idea, of course, of being separate from God is silly at best, and arrogant, prideful, and foolhardy at worst. Still, I have not called on the name of YHVH in a very long time, and though I sense no reproach in my return, I feel that this is perhaps because I have not yet returned.

How alien are the words on this page...how absent the common thread of the believer, how strange and void the faith that once sustained me, even I worked to destroy the modern behemoth of Organized Religion. Now, I am back, but I profess to you that I am not part of your community. God has told me that I must obey him in order to receive his blessing and, insofar as I am following the Will that he has revealed to me, I am doing just that. But do not ask me to call him Master.

My newfound compatriots, who are also the villains of my old life, must trust me if I am to be able to do what I came to do, and if they are to trust me, my Faith must remain hidden deep within my heart.

ah, such silliness, to think that I could Obey without Faith. Now, I must only bend my Pride, and I can come back into the fold. But, like pain, and obsession, the Void is addicting.